Welcome back! Recall:
Season 3 ended in flames
Agrestic is toast

Nancy torched her house
Just to make sure it would burn
Time to hit the road

Interrogation!
Cops are onto Nancy’s game
Will Hodes sell her out?

Duh, of course she will!
Celia’s no friend to Nance
Rats out the whole op

“The Indian kid!”
“And the little Christian girl!”
Queen bitch names them all

Celia forgets
How much everyone hates her
No one backs her up

Doug, Sanjay, and Dean
Throw the cops off Nancy’s trail
Celia’s in jail

Nancy and the boys
Head south to stay with grandma
“Anybody home?”

Hot Uncle Andy
Breaks into his grandma’s house
She’s a vegetable!

The boys are creeped out
By the tube-fed matriarch
Shane: “We can’t stay here”

Who’s caring for her?
Boxed wine, gambling on tv
Must be Judah’s dad!

Sure enough, dad’s home
No love for Andy or Nance
Tries to throw them out

Nancy stands her ground
“Our house burned; we’re staying here.
Don’t you watch the news?”

Coastal border town
The place for a fresh start, or
New territory?

Guillermo has plans
Nancy: his new border bitch
Bienvenidos, girl!

Big changes ahead
So long to suburban life
Will Conrad follow?

Summer makes me sad
No new shows for fresh haiku
Guess I need cable!

Restaurant Wars back!
Top Chef teased we’d be without
Tsk, they knew better.

To recap last week:
Tweak’s culinary boner
Left us wanting more

Let’s start – Quickfire!
Haha! 5 AM challenge
Work the egg station

Spike’s full of wisdom
Eggs- tough! Worse on short order
Top Chefs are nervous

A Chi-town treasure
Breakfast patrons down the block
The owner will judge

Chefs rusty, tired
Antonia’s moving quite fast
Lisa makes a mess

Steph has pot issues
Richard- no diner lingo
Dale hangs in quite well

The results are in
Who’d you hire? Dale’s close, but
Antonia wins it

No immunity
Whoa! Her fourth quickfire win
Not too shabby, girl

Mystery address
Elimination Challenge
Restaurant wars! Woot!

Raw space is quite fab
Exposed brick, both teams share space
35 diners

Big money involved!
$5K for Pier One decor
$1500- food

Antonia: team choice
Wedding wars teams are revived
Will win be the same?

Dale’s team: Asian (yawn)
Team loves theme, not each other
Mai Buddha is born

Steph’s team: quality
Simple, elegant with beer
Gastro Pub takes shape

Gastro Pub menu:
Beet salad, goat cheese, trout, clams
Banana scallops

Mai Buddha will strive
So many Asian dishes
Too many ideas?

Spike’s on the decor
Has no trouble with the feel
Loves him some Buddha

Surprise Number 1!
Anthony Bourdain – a god
Replaced Tom this week

Bourdain loves Asian
Mai Buddha should be quite scared
Traveled the whole world

Bourdain’s impressed by
Buddha’s lofty goals, concerned
“Could be quite a coup”

Surprise Number 2!
Restaurant Wars are tough work
Each pick a sous chef

Jen to Mai Buddha
Nikki’s pasta to Gastro
So long, Tweak and Mark!

Dale’s team not his fans
Lisa, Spike rattle his cage
Can they co-exist?

Dale becomes a bitch
His halo halo putrid
Brown avocado

Gastro works as team
Focus on food, not drama
Obvious who’ll win

Gastro impresses
Judges happy and content
Simple food, home run

Just one bad comment
Tony doesn’t like plate smears
Poop reminiscent

Buddha’s in trouble
Smokey laksa off-putting
Sticky rice a mess

Butterscotch scallops
Dale’s made a sticky foul mess
Bad in concept, taste

One Buddha bright spot
Padma: “Slammin’ potstickers!”
Not enough to save

At Judges’ Table
Winning team is no surprise
Gastro Pub- huzzah!

Steph wins it again!
A trip to Barcelona
Will she win Top Chef?

Buddha must defend
Bad choices, teamwork, flavor
Mistakes everywhere

Infamous laksa
Like eating a campfire
Lisa, did you taste?

Where where you at, Dale?
Exec chef should manage taste
“I don’t know laksa.” ?!?!

Mai Buddha implodes
Full of blame and denial
But it wasn’t me!

Spike lays low. Smart guy
“Prince’s van” napkins bad, but
He’s not to blame here

No clear worst of worst
Lisa or Dale can go, please
I’m sick of them both

Dale, please pack your knives
So much for 5 wins, buddy
It takes just one loss

Dale can live with it
I can live without. Dale cries
His softer side’s nice

Next time on Top Chef
A fight to the final four
Lisa’s got to go.

This post: overdue
Blame convenience of TiVo
Better late than none

Our six survivors
Ride a cargo plane to home
Hawaii is close

Oceanic Air:
You don’t have to speak to press
Jack: We’ll talk to them

Karen Decker, Rep
Be warned: You have been branded
“Oceanic Six”

Families are all there
Warm embraces, tears, relief
Kate’s mom: a no-show

Karen tells the tale
How Kate gave birth to Aaron
And the rest survived

The press has questions
Hurley, how ‘bout the money?
“I don’t want it back!”

Questions for Sun too
Did Jin die on the island?
Lies, “No, in the crash.”

Surprise for Sayid
The love of his life returns
Nadia has found him

Back on the island
Satellite phone proves helpful
Can hear Keamy scheme

Jack and Kate take off
Through the jungle towards rescue
The Orchid’s the goal

Jungle rustle! (shock!)
Miles, Sawyer with Aaron
Where’s Claire? “We’ve lost her”

Sawyer, Jack press on
Miles, Kate, baby to beach
The boys hunt signals

The signal leads them
To Frank the pilot, hand-cuffed
“Trust, Orchid’s bad news”

Get off the island!
Keamy’s got bad plans for you
and esp. Ben Linus

No worries, says Jack
We are out of here, posthaste
Sawyer: “Not so fast”

Hurley’s with Ben too
Drat! They won’t leave without H
So much for that plan

Sayid’s on the beach,
He’s brought a raft for rescue(?)
Rescue uncertain

Just six at a time
Jin, Sun, Aaron, 3 “no ones”
Take the maiden trip

Flash forward to Sun
Revenge is a bitch, Daddy
“I’ve bought your business”

BOOYA! Sun attacks!
You hated Jin, caused our trip
Blames Dad for Jin’s death

Back on the freighter
Michael: unwelcome surprise
Does he work for Ben?

Michael talks quickly
Claims he’s trying to atone
Jin, Sun seem to trust

Desmond calls, alarmed
Down below- TNT room!
No place safe on LOST

Flash forward: Hurley
His mansion appears empty
SURPRISE! Bday fete.

Oceanic six
All come to party, happy
Can this really last?

Nope! Hurley’s present
Dad’s restored the Camaro
H wary – cursed dough

Dad comes through this time
Restored before the money
Relief! H will look

Four, eight, fifteen, six-
teen, twenty- three, forty-two
The Numbers are Back!

The odometer,
Trip counter have freaked Hurley
(Us too) Hurley runs

Final flash forward
Jack’s eulogy for his dad
I love, miss you Dad.

A stranger walks up
Australia was due to me
Our daughter was there

Jack’s incredulous
Our girl was on your plane, too
Her name was Claire

Jack blinks back his shock
Island events, his sis Claire?!?
‘Bout time Jack caught up!

Claire’s mom sees Aaron
Unaware he’s her grandson
Compliments Kate’s “son”

Back on the island
Kate, Sayid track Jack, Sawyer
Again with rustling

Richard Alpert’s back
Kate: “Stop! I said stop right there!”
Click click click, guns cocked

No way out of this
They’re surrounded by Others!
Surrender quickly

Back at the Orchid
Ben, Hurley, Locke have arrived
Keamy’s beat them there

Ben has plans for Locke
Find the elevator down
To the real Orchid

Ben reveals himself
Ben: I think you’re here for me
It’s lights out for him

Next time: Finale!
Questions won’t be answered, but
Post will be on time.

Two hour episode!
This could be one long haiku
Better get some snacks!

Cristina’s still sad
Mer: “Take the sparkle pager”
Just like that: she’s back!

Derek wants to sell
his land, bought for the dream house
He would build for Mer

Rose to Meredith:
“Derek’s going to sell his land.
Plus, I’m scared of you.”

Sloan teases Callie
He can see that she wants Hahn
“She takes one finger…”

Callie’s bewildered
By her crush on a woman
“I thought I liked men?”

Mer tells shrink about
Mom’s attempted suicide
Whoa, that’s heavy stuff

Concrete’s heavy too!
Dumb kid laid down in cement
To impress his crush

Too bad she’s a bitch
Shallow “friends” let him lie there
Now docs must work fast

True to form, they fight
Can’t agree what to do first
Clock is ticking folks!

The clinical trial
Keeps killing every patient
Chief: “You’ve one more chance”

Mer’s shrink sets her straight
“Ellis didn’t want to die.
Figure out the rest…”

Rebecca’s still nuts
Izzie can’t make Alex see
Whoops, she slit her wrists!

Alex will suture!
“Leave us be, you stupid bitch!”
Izzie won’t give up

Two tumor patients
Each one wants the surgery
Teenagers, in love

Mer: “Let’s do them both”
“I’ll get clearance from the chief”
(Except, she doesn’t)

But first, some nookie!
Mer and Der stand guard outside;
Tumor kids have sex.

Boy’s surgery first
“Do not kill him,” girlfriend pleads
Of course, then he dies

Derek is fed up
Doesn’t want to kill again
Meredith insists

He’s so furious
“After this, won’t work with you”
He storms off, she’s stunned.

Talking to himself
“I keep failing her again”
Rose: “Don’t you mean ‘them’?”

Izzie stands her ground
Pulls Karev off Rebecca
He’s done this before?

Thinks he can fix her
Because he took care of mom
“It’s just a bad patch!”

He calls her husband
Learns she’s been nuts for awhile
Off to the psych ward!

Human cinderblock
Crashes; rushed to the O.R.
Cristina’s big chance!

Concrete boy pulls through
Gets a smooch from stuck up girl
Lucky him, I guess

Chief says Hahn must teach
If she wants to keep her job
She looks stunned, put out

Cristina’s so stoked
She’ll take Chief’s advice to heart;
Teach her own interns

George is a lame duck
Could look at Chief’s files but won’t
Lexie will, and does!

George failed by one point!
Recommendations were best!
Why no second chance??

George stands up to Chief
“You know I’m better than this.”
“Fine, retake the test.”

Now for the last trial
Finally, a patient lives!
Will her tumor shrink?

Mer goes home to rest
Finds and cleans Rebecca’s blood
Thinks about her mom

Lightbulb goes on now
“She knew how to kill herself;
Could have done it right.”

“Didn’t want to die;
Wanted to get Richard back
But he never knew.”

Tumor check: it shrunk!
Trial is a success at last!
Time to celebrate!

Mer can’t find Derek
Meanwhile he’s looking for her
(Tiresome faux suspense)

Izzie proved herself
By standing firm with Alex
Bailey: “Clinic’s yours.”

George kisses Lexie
Chief moves back in with Adele
Callie kisses Hahn

In a bizarre twist
Alex begs Izzie for sex
Kissing through his tears

Mer lights up the land
Candles outline the floorplan
“I want our dream house”

Derek kisses her
Then leaves to break up with Rose
(Now he’s a nice guy??)

End of season four.
Drama, random hookups: check!
What annoyed YOU most?

First, admin matters
Who will work with the blue team?
Teams are uneven

Jen volunteers fast
“If I can cook there, I’m gold”
Can she walk the walk?

Now for team challenge
Use ingredients just once
But use all twenty

Same shit as always
Red team communicates well
Blue team, not so much

Jen grabs everything
A team player she is not
Not what the Blues want

Matt chose pancetta
He cuts off his finger tip!!
Footage disgusting

Crap! Where’s the finger?
Ew! Had to be chopping meat.
Thanks, guys, I’m eating.

Down to the wire
Louross has cooked everything
Fails to plate his veal

Chef’s ready to judge
“Jen: Did you work well as team?”
“Oh yes, Chef!” Liar!

Louross has blown this
Blue team’s loss automatic
Shame, Chef liked his dish

Such a crushing loss
Blues must wash linens BY HAND
Jen throws a tantrum

The Reds get spoiled
Makeup, photo shoot, the works
US Weekly spread

Three things Jen is not:
Mature, classy, good loser
Can’t shrug off the loss

Chip on her shoulder
Jen’s bad attitude just sucks
Taunts “Dumbass” Louross

Meanwhile the Reds
Are cleaning up pretty good
Thank god for makeup

Rosann’s getting old
“My daawta would be so prowwd”
Brooklyn accent grates

Dinner service twist
Critics Zagat and Gayot
Will judge the winner

Matt’s rejoined the group
Should have taken vicodin
Cooks with massive pain

Chef’s tirades begin
Matt’s beef suffers from shrinkage
Christina annoys

“Christina, SHUT UP!”
“I mean it, you lazy cow!”
Ah, the British barbs

Petrozza feels heat
Premature beef cuts – a sin
His juice seeps out (Ha!)

Rosann as always
Can’t cook, wastes ingredients
Utter disaster

Louross gets high praise
Chef decrees his fish Perfect!
Great big shitty grin

The red team’s thrown out
Jen’s thrilled to pick up their slack
Matt cries, Corey cries

The blue team: success!
Comment cards are opposite
Of Red team’s slop job

Jen’s hyena laugh
No gracious winner either
Best revenge: success

Chef calls Corey out
She was the best of the worst
Must choose one from team

Corey can’t decide
She’d put all three of them up
Selects Rosann (duh!)

Chef Ramsey says no
All but Corey come forward
All deserve the chop

But it’s Rosann’s time
Back to Brooklyn and daawta
My ears are quite pleased

Ramsey’s parting words:
If size of mouth meant talent,
Rosann: master chef

We’ve survived again
Through chopped fingers, bad cooking
Talentless non-cooks

Seven still remain
Why am I watching again?
This ain’t no Top Chef

What’s this I have found?
Haikus from 2004!
Relics from the past!

behold allyson
haiku master in health law
worship her mad skills

jaclyn writes them too
is anyone as cool as she?
no, i don’t think so.

kristin has arrived
chaos will come for us all
stand firm in the storm

allyson and shoes
never a more suited pair
fabulous, her feet

shopping on ebay
allyson finds treasures vast
behold the designs

jaclyn and her chores
always takes on way too much
such inspiration

counting on my hand
looking not all together
haiku takes some skill

evidence is lame
waiting till i can go home
rather be shagging

health law is way worse
messenger is sanity
would rather be dead

haikus are so fun
they make me ignore health class
that makes me happy

Season finale!
“Much ‘I do’ About Nothing”
Haiku writes itself…

Suspense killing her
S shows up at Dan’s to talk
Relieved, then sees G!

Flies into a rage
“G, you lying, scheming bitch!”
G plays wounded, leaves

S tells Dan at last
All the secrets she’s hidden
Can he forgive her?

S gives Dan some space.
First things first, G must go down!
Dan calls Blair to help.

Traps G in the park.
Surprise, G, your folks are here!
You’re off to boot camp!

Lily and Rufus
finally hopped in the sack!
Old passion revived

Bart calls, kills the buzz
Seems he knows what’s going on
“Choose: your past, or me.”

Nate jogs with his dad
(Is that all they ever do?)
“Rehab’s going well!”

Dad seems too cheerful
For a guy awaiting trial.
Something up his sleeve?

Where’s fair Jenny been?
Oh, that’s right, she’s still grounded
Well, more time to sew!

Wedding guests arrive
Blair’s dress is a bright pink pouf!
Yellow frills for S.

Time for Lil to choose
Rufus breaks in, “Call it off!”
Lily holds her ground

Money, or true love?
Money wins out; Lil gets hitched
Rufus goes on tour

Nate confronts his dad
“I’m on the lam for you, son!”
Nate decks dad, “for mom”

Chuck says he loves Blair;
Vows to get her back again.
Looks like it might work!

S tells Dan she lied;
Didn’t cheat on him at all!
“How is that less nuts?”

Wait a minute, huh?
Dan breaks up with Serena?
Girl can’t catch a break!

Jackass, can’t decide.
“I don’t want to let you go”
Um, mixed signals, much?

Summer looms ahead
Jen will be Blair’s mom’s intern;
Blair will lounge in France

Chuck’s her ride, but bails
Bart’s words and a pretty girl…
Guess he’s still “Chuck Bass”

S hangs out with Nate
While Dan paints with Vanessa
(Gee, where’s this going?)

Summer episodes
Can’t come soon enough for me!
XOXO kids!

So, Nurse Rose puts out,
But Derek still thinks of Mer.
Sorry Rose, you’re toast.

Oh, Meredith Grey.
McDreamy still rocks your world.
You’re not over him.

Deal with your issues!
In and out of therapy?
That won’t get him back.

Ava’s still faking.
Newsflash Alex! Crazy bitch;
What will she pull next?

(Worst plot on the show
Can’t wait til this one’s resolved
Then she’ll GO AWAY)

Izzie intervenes
She can hold her tongue no more
Alex: disbelief

“Do the test again!”
“Those tests are wrong all the time”
Alex, she’s insane!

George: the Chief’s intern
Paperwork, dating advice
That’s what fills his days

Chief’s former mentor
Shows up with a crappy heart
Hahn won’t operate

Brain tumor lady
Thinks she has a loverboy
Is it in her mind?

Mer wants to proceed
Derek wants to wait for him
(Metaphor, you think?)

Cristina’s so mean!
She’s a lost soul, since Burke’s news
Surgery? “No thanks”

Tells it like it is
Says horrid things to Lexie
“Meredith hates you”

“She’ll never say it;
You got the life she didn’t”
Mer freezes; Lex bolts

Mer’s shrink keeps pushing;
Sees things as they really are.
Meredith freaks out.

“Give me back my chart!”
Shrink’s words hit too close to home
“You’re fired!” “No, I’m not.”

Callie wants more sex
But Sloan wants conversation
Hahn teases: “Threesome?”

Callie plays along
While she panics inwardly
Does Hahn want her bod?

Ava wants new boobs
Dr. Sloan clues in: she’s nuts!
“Get a psych consult!”

Chief: “Hahn, operate!”
“If he dies my rep is shot!”
Nope! Old guy pulls through!

Tumor lady: nope
Her brain swelled in surgery
She won’t wake up now

Too bad her man was real
Mer tears up and leaves the room
Derek leaves with Rose

Izzie: ultrasound!
Show Ava there’s no baby
Alex reads her labs

Finally, he sees
But Ava thinks she lost it
(The baby, not her mind)

What?! He brings her home??
“She’ll stay with me for awhile”
Izzie disapproves

George takes baby Tuck
While Bailey fights with hubby
Tucker is an ass

Lexie forgives Mer
Then stands up to Cristina
“I scrubbed in, not you!”

Elevator time
Hahn kisses Callie, Mark stares
Callie’s mind is blown

Mer’s back to the shrink
Tries again to face her fears
“Fix me now!” She pleads

Next week: finale!
Rose will get the boot for sure
Ava too, I hope!

Top Chef: quite highbrow
Ingredients are wordy
Makes for hard haiku

Quickfire challenge:
Bring sexy back to salads
45 minutes

Long time for salad
Season 2’s Sam is guest judge
HE brings sexy back

No hot messes here
Their salads make me hungry
Distracted by Sam

Andrew: Thai mango
Dale goes Asian – what a stretch!
Richard : Fresh and Clean

Sam is quite reserved
(Have I mentioned his sexy?)
Gives little feedback

Spike: Sensual beef
Stephanie’s pear salad lacks
Antonia: poached egg

Sam’s ready to rule
Dislikes: Stephanie, Richard
Lisa’s is the worst

Now for his top picks
Dale, Antonia’s oozy egg
Spike’s sexy beef wins

No immunity;
Spike wins challenge advantage
Will he use it well?

Fast food parades out
The typical lunch of cops
My arteries clog

The challenge: healthy,
Filling boxed lunch for cadets
Protein, grain, veg, fruit

Spike’s won a great coup!
10 more minutes and control
Can block others’ choice

Spike: evil bastard!
Chicken, ‘maters, bread, lettuce
Cock blocked for the rest

His choice is a wrench
Results in creative picks
Bison, barley, raw

Kitchen is humming
Spike gloats, displays his “prizes”
Looks of death abound

10 minutes remain!
Lisa’s burner is on high
Lisa cries chef foul!

“My rice! Sabotage!”
Dale, “Dumb bitch, did it yourself”
No sympathy here

Off to serve cadets
Boxes must have instructions
Cadets microwave

Really good dishes!
Antonia does curry beef
Dale goes Asian – YAWN.

Andrew goes too far
From fast food to raw food? Hm.
Tiny portion too

Creativity
Has paid off. Steph’s barley soup
Gets mad rave reviews

Richard’s creative
Who doesn’t like burritos?
Adds a healthy twist

Spike will not make friends
Use of his choices is sad
Looks like afterthought

Andrew’s dish is flawed
Required grain is missing!
Lost his instructions

To Judges’ table
Who is on the chopping block?
Sam is still sexy.

The two favorites:
Healthy, tasty, and filling
Stephanie and Dale

Dale’s victorious
He certainly knows Asian
“I’ve five wins,” he preens

Onto the worst now
Raw, bland, boring, poorly cooked
Andrew, Spike, Lisa

Tweak’s belligerent
“I elevated the task!”
“Raw food is the best!”

Lisa can’t take the heat
“Andrew, didn’t use a grain!”
Judges know, you rat.

Tweak freaks out, of course
“You’ve thrown me under the bus”
L: just play by rules

L seems to forget
The time she and Antonia
Did just the same thing

Spike spurts denials
I thought out my dish, played fair
“Oh, it was bad, too?”

Andrew, pack your knives
No culinary boner
We will miss you, kid.

Next time on Top Chef
Restaurant wars are back! Yes!
Not the same without.